and on the first day of spring

and on the first day of spring

I felt free.

The sun was shining,

the birds were chirping,

people were cheerful,

I was safe.

Life was back to normal.

Windows opened,

the house smelled of evergreens,

I felt healed.

Seasons

And I don’t think anyone could make me feel as free as when I’m walking down the suburb streets I know so well, mid-summer, the wind at my back, headphones in playing my favorite song.

I don’t think anyone could make me feel the relief of the sudden chill in the air after months of overheating, finally wearing my favorite jacket, going for a walk and seeing mushrooms after it rained.

I don’t think anyone could make me feel as safe as looking out my window in the morning after the first snowfall of winter, the warmth from my blankets contrasting with the cold of the windowsill.

I don’t think anyone could make me feel as hopeful as the first day in spring when it starts to warm up, after months of bundled up, freezing temperatures and I can sit outside and work on this or that.

And I don’t mind. Because the seasons could never remember my favorite color or the way I like my coffee. The seasons couldn’t hold my hand or give me their jacket when I get cold. I fell in love with the seasons, and they come and go and I fall in love with each change, but they could never make me feel as wanted as a text saying, “this made me think of you.”

Tea and Nostalgia

Tea in the afternoon,

hard at work on this or that

and the sun shines through the window, cracked.

Tea on the windowsill,

a gentle breeze cools the drink.

It’s not as cold as it’s been lately

and the smell of fresh air

brings a sense of nostalgia

for when I had no troubles,

spending all my time running around outside.

I have this obsession with nostalgia

and I think it’s because I’m so eternally exhausted

and I miss the feeling

of optimism and pure delight

I only truly had as a child.

I’m only 22

but I’ve been through enough

to deserve this cup of tea

and a moment of clarity.

Spring Sadness

It was the middle of spring,

Birds were singing, flowers in bloom.

I should’ve been happy,

Why wasn’t I happy?

Everything lush with color,

Everyone chipper and chatty.

Why couldn’t that be me?

What was holding me back

From enjoying spring to the fullest?

Could it be I’m just not over my depression?

Or is there something getting me down?

Winter seemed to breeze by,

I was sure I was over being depressed.

But now that the sun is shining,

And the air is warm,

I can’t help but wish I was someone else.

I daydream of running away,

Starting a new life with a new mentality.

It feels like I’m in so deep,

There’s no escape but to restart.

 

You’d think I’d know by now,

Running away only causes more problems.

Starting over only gets me so far

Because all my problems follow

And soon enough I’ll be in the same position

In a different location,

Daydreaming about running away again.

The homestretch month.

It’s light out until 7 now.

The temperature’s rising consistently.

I can feel spring coming,

and I couldn’t be happier. 

It’s been a long winter,

but one of my more memorable ones.

I was productive this winter,

I was proactive when the sadness started to creep back in.

I didn’t let it win.

Though March is a long month,

I’ve been trying not to let it bother me.

I’m antsy for the warm weather,

for the sun to shine warmly down on me.

As I sit outside in the morning,

drinking coffee as my dog wanders around the yard,

I can’t help but smile at the simple beauty in it.

Spring is finally here, 

summer around the corner.

I smell the blooming flowers

as a gentle breeze passes through.

I yearn for the feeling,

March does that to you.

It’s almost done,

we’re in the homestretch.

springtime.

I love the spring

The hopeful air,

Knowing we made it through another winter.

I love the smell of open windows,

That first warm day.

What a relief it is,

My depression has lessened

And I feel whole.

The bitter darkness inside me

Has turned sky blue.

Clouds scatter the sky,

As though leaving my head

And finding a new home.

Clarity is something I’ve taken for granted.

I’ll never do it again.

I’ve never found something so therapeutic

As sitting outside in the morning,

That first warm day

Drinking coffee and reading a book.

An overwhelming feeling courses through my veins.

it tells me I’m going to be okay

And I foolishly believe it.