Snow has been falling for almost an hour now. I awoke to see a dusting, but now it’s nearly up to my knees. I’ve got nowhere to be, though, and I’m watching comfortably from the warmth of my blanket and a cup of tea. Music plays softly from my speaker; I serenely watch the snow fall. Hours pass and the snow settles at waist level. Sighing, I appreciate this week off from work I’ve taken.
Yesterday was ROUGH. I woke up feeling crappy and the rest of the day just continued the pattern. I didn’t get enough sleep, which led to little patience for anything, which led to just a bad mood all around. I slept better last night and I’ve been taking it easy before work today. Hopefully today will be better.
I bleached and dyed my hair on Monday and it was damaged to say the least, so I put on a hair mask this morning for some self care. It’s amazing how my mood shifts when I take care of myself.
I hope all of you are having a good day. How do you practice self care when you have an off day?
Let flowers grow inside you
in places you once thought
could never see life again.
Let the emptiness inside your chest
be the soil that nourishes new life.
Let the earth take over
fill sadness with hopefulness.
Bury your feet in the dirt
and know you’ll be fine.
Just because you feel alone
doesn’t mean you are.
They left you hollow and lost
but just because you’re empty now
doesn’t mean new life can’t grow.
I didn’t eat breakfast.
You tell me, climbing into my car.
We can stop at Dunkin’.
It’s still early,
The sun hasn’t yet risen.
We’re early, too,
We could stop at the beach,
And watch the sunrise.
First, you need breakfast.
I pull into the drive-thru,
I order you a sandwich,
You don’t have to tell me what you want,
I know what you always get.
I order us both coffees, too.
We’re going to need it today.
We’ve got a long day ahead of us,
First you have the dentist,
Then I have therapy.
Then, we’re driving across the country.
We’ve saved money,
Calculated the hours it’ll take-
37, with no traffic.
We packed our bags,
Got the time off work,
Found a place to stay.
We’re staying with my friend,
He lives a half hour from the Grand Canyon,
And we’ve always wanted to visit.
He moved to Arizona two years ago,
We’ve hardly seen him since,
Never to visit him,
He’s only come back up to the northeast.
He introduced us to each other,
So we owe him this trip.
I’ve known him since high school,
You two met through mutual friends.
I was surprised we had never met,
We frequented a lot of the same places.
When he introduced me to you,
I knew right then.
We met a week before our friend moved away.
For a while that was all we talked about.
That grew into how we met our friend,
Which grew into discussions of high school and college,
Which turned into stories of high school and college,
Which turned into our hobbies,
Of which we had many in common,
Which turned into me showing you my favorite show,
Then you showed me yours,
And two years later,
We’re on a road trip to celebrate our anniversary.
I paid for our breakfast,
And drove us to the beach.
I made sure to go to one that faces the sunrise.
I’ve made that mistake before.
We ate our breakfast
while our favorite songs played through the speakers.
I was reminded of past dates,
Sitting in this exact spot,
Eating take-out and laughing at each other’s jokes.
I smiled blissfully at the thought,
knowing fully there were more of those moments to come.
I don’t know where to go from here,
It feels like I’m running a never-ending race.
Every time I think I’m at the finish line,
The road turns and shows another five miles.
There’s always obstacles,
There will always be.
I’m not surprised.
That’s how life is and I’m not complaining.
I just wish I could take a break.
I have these dips in my mood
Every couple weeks,
Where life becomes too much
I get overwhelmed
And I wish I could pause time.
There’s so many mistakes you’re going to make,
so many things you wish you said
and so many things you could’ve done better,
but you’ll get through it just fine.
To me from a year ago:
Good things are close,
do whatever you can to keep yourself busy,
and you don’t need an excuse to do what you want.
If you want to spend all day watching YouTube,
who’s stopping you?
Don’t move in with your boyfriend three weeks after he betrayed your trust.
Just because he’s going through a tough time doesn’t mean he should be your responsibility.
To me from two years ago:
You don’t need a boyfriend,
you need a friend.
Reach out to people you’ve lost contact with.
Don’t date that boy just because he’s nice to you.
You’ll hate your summer job,
but it’s good money for the time.
And for fucks sake, don’t listen to that boy you’re going to date-
you don’t need to buy weed, he does.
To me from three years ago:
Let it go.
That annoying person shouldn’t ruin your day.
Yeah, he sucks but he’ll make for a good story.
I’m proud of you for getting through your first big break up.
It was months ago,
but I know you’re still dealing with it.
You’ll be over him soon.
He still texts you every couple months, though.
To the future me:
I hope things are still going good.
I’ve been trying to set you up for success.
I’ve fallen into a routine of positive coping skills,
and I hope you stick to them.
My room hasn’t been clean in months. My head is a cloudy mess. My body isolated from society. I haven’t left my bed besides to binge eat in two weeks. I don’t remember the last time I showered. My friends gave up on me. I don’t blame them. Maybe I should get out of bed today. Or maybe today will be the day I finally disintegrate into this bed….
Mornings are all the same: alternating between sleeping and scrolling through the internet. I was having an exceptionally bad morning, seeing horrible news on my Twitter feed and angry people in the comments on Facebook. I’d seen everything on YouTube last night in one of my binge-watching late nights. Bored was an understatement.
In the middle of another suicidal thought, I found a post on Tumblr I’d never seen before. It said, “you don’t need to hit rock bottom to get help” and it resonated with me. Maybe I had been subconsciously looking for a sign, maybe I was open to advice at that moment, or maybe that was just what I needed to hear. Either way, it helped me out of bed that day.
I hadn’t done it in almost six months, but I texted my therapist for a new appointment. I made myself cereal. I had a whole glass of water. I took a screenshot of the post. I sat at my kitchen table, old newspapers and dirty glasses scattered. Making room for my cereal, I stacked a few glasses in a corner. I might move them to the sink after I eat.
Eating is tough. Nothing really has a taste anymore unless I’m manic. Today, I could actually taste again. Granted, it was chocolate-y sugar cereal, but I was taking it as a win. There was still a weight on my shoulders, but it was lessened. At least for now.
I wanted to take small steps. I didn’t want to overwork myself with self-care. So, I put the dishes in the sink. All of them from the table. Then I took a nap on the couch. It was a depression nap, but at least I was out of my dark room. The sun shone from the window behind me, warming me up under the blanket. I smiled for the first time in a month. It felt good.
“Maybe I’ll be okay eventually.” I whispered to myself before drifting off to sleep.