Misguided | #poetrycommunity

I spent three hours last night

searching for a story I read seven years ago

it’s lost to the archives of the internet by now

and I can’t remember the name of it

but I kept searching

despite the truth being right in front of me.

I spent hours searching for something

for the fleeting feeling of nostalgia

or something familiar

And I spent this time searching,

ignoring the weight in my chest

because it’s easier to search

for something physical

than admit I’ve lost you.

We do silly things when we’re hurting

and we deny until we can’t anymore

but I don’t want to stop denying

that you’re gone for good

because I spent all this time

thinking it’d be forever

I’m not ready to admit

I may have been

misguided.

Completed | #poem

I know what love is

because I feel it

when the sun shines

and when the breeze

blew you into my life

and I know I love you

because I want to try

again.

I was so lost

I got out of bed out of spite,

now I do it so I can see your smile

and on days you’re not around

I do it because I want to.

Love is more than us

but it’s so strong with us

that I feel it even after you’ve gone

and I’ve always loved

I’ve loved the fall

and I’ve loved singing in the car

but they don’t complete me

like you do.

the world won’t matter

I have fallen in love before

and it’ll likely happen again

I just hope the next time

it’ll be with your wit

or your smile

or your hair.

If I fall in love again

I want it to matter

more than it did

when I fell for someone

who didn’t love me back.

I want you to love me

I want to matter to you

I want to hear you say my name

lovingly

as we watch our favorite show.

Because the world won’t matter

until you say my name.

A love letter to the loveless

I would love you despite your feelings

Leave so I can love you harder

Come back to a warm bed

but it’s not mine

like it once was

you’re not mine

like you once were

and that’s fine

I love you still the same

missing

I miss the ocean

and I miss the mountains, too

I never thought after all this time

I’d be missing you like I do.

But I missed the smell of spring

and that came back as always,

and I know someday you’ll miss me, too,

and it puts me in a haze.

The sunrise on our first morning living together

We told ourselves we wouldn’t care if the world ended. We said we wouldn’t care because we’d be spending our last moments with each other. And it was late, it was so late, but we couldn’t go to sleep yet, we had to be up for the sunrise. We promised ourselves we’d stay up and watch the sunrise together on our first night of living together. And we realized it was a silly idea, but we both took a week off work to get settled in our new apartment- which might’ve also been a silly idea, but we didn’t care.

We stayed up for the sunrise and we fell asleep right before it happened out our back window. We fell asleep on the couch around 5 am and didn’t wake until noon. We laughed about it when we woke up and realized we missed the sunrise. But we didn’t care. Our favorite show was paused on the living room TV while we got up and made breakfast.

You made a joke about missing the sunrise and I said it was a silly idea to begin with. I hadn’t been up that late since college, and you hadn’t since you started your first real job. You made pancakes and I made coffee. It wasn’t anything huge, but I felt closer to you than I ever had that morning. You resumed our favorite show and we spent the day unpacking while it played in the background. We were finally where we were meant to be.

5 am

It’s 5 am

the rain is pouring

coming down heavy

enveloping my sadness

as I lay here

unable to sleep

and I wonder

I wonder what you’re doing

I know you were always

one to be up at this hour.

And I feel closer to you

than I ever did when we

were together.

Maybe it’s better this way

maybe I’m happier like this:

love,

but from a distance.

You can’t hurt me from here.