Forgiveness

When I was debating you

and debating moving states

and cutting my hair

but I stayed stagnant

for the hollow feeling

of thinking I was wanted

I should’ve left

I should’ve been spontaneous

and I should’ve taken it as a hint

all the songs I cherished

about running away

maybe I should’ve, too.

It’s not new that I should’ve left sooner

but if I listened to the hurt inside me

just for a moment

I could’ve avoided the whole thing.

I could be better.

I get so stuck on the what-ifs

and the ways I could’ve been better

I forget that I did my best with what was handed to me

if I’d done everything perfectly

if I hadn’t stayed

if I hadn’t debated college

if I knew the outcome

and the way to get there without getting hurt at all

I wouldn’t be better off

I’d be bored

It was a Tuesday in July

I fell deep in love

while July was in full swing

with humidity and heat waves

and there I was, falling for someone like all the cliches

and it really was all the cliches.

It’s everything you dreamed about

before your standards were lowered

by all your horrendous exes

and you were eventually soured on relationships.

Then you meet someone so perfect

you thought they could only ever exist in books and movies

but they’re real

and they look at you

like you’re the exact same thing to them.

the sticky summer air

The sticky summer air

wants to know how I’ve been

since we last talked.

I’ve had my ups and downs

but I’m here now.

I didn’t find God

but I did find a purpose

hidden somewhere between the stationary aisle of CVS

and New England in September.

Sometimes winter feels like going

through hell and back just to

feel summer warmth again

but it’s worth it

or at least there’s some gratitude

as I’m sitting under

a cherry blossom

and I feel myself blossom,

too.

Summer

I miss my carefree nature,

I miss the wind at my back,

I miss the way the sun beams glowed

early summer mornings.

I miss watching the sunrise

from my bedroom window,

and I miss watching the sunset

on the beach with the dog.

I miss the simplicity,

and how I knew it’d all be fine.

Sometimes winter gets so cold,

I fear I’ve gone as bitter as the wind.