Needs

I’ve been at my worst

I’ve been at my best

I’ve stood face to face with anger

and I’ve given in and I’ve given up

but I’m done stewing.

Now when I come face to face

with anger or despair

I’ll ask if it needs a cup of tea

or maybe more sleep tonight.

I want to believe

that these bad thoughts aren’t real

but they are,

they’re just poorly communicated needs

I just have to ask them what they are.

a few updates on school and a new job

My class is almost over! I’m on week seven out of eight and all I’ve got left is a discussion post and a seven-slide PowerPoint to do. I apologize for not being as active on here the last few weeks, but school mixed with my new job has made me more busy than I’d like to be.

My new job?? I’m a housekeeper! I clean vacation homes. I cannot express how glad I am to be out of the retail business. I didn’t hate all my retail jobs- the movie theaters were pretty cool- but the chain convenience stores and drug stores really wore me down.

Once summer comes around, I’m really going to have to make sure I make time to write because I’ll be working six days a week most weeks. I’m not always up to write after a long day of work, or my writing isn’t as coherent as days where I’m not doing a bunch of physical activity, but I’ll try to make some time. I might cut back my posts to only a few days a week, but that’s a conversation to come back to in May.

I like the new job so far, though! It’s different from any other job I’ve had, but I get to listen to whatever music or podcast I want, so it’s cool. And I like being active at work; when I was working at a movie theater, half the shift was spent sitting and waiting for the movies to get out. It got boring. At least at this job there’s always something to do.

And one last thing- I’m not sure if it was just me or anyone else, but the post I made yesterday never showed up on my feed, so if you missed that, you can check it out here!

If you made it this far, how about a song recommendation? (I want to start doing these on my general blog posts, what do you guys think?)

Writer’s Block

I love the feeling of finally being over writer’s block. Writer’s block, as a creative person, leaves me feeling so crummy all the time. It’s repeatedly opening Word documents and closing them only to open another one. It’s wanting to say something but having nothing to say. I can write, but it’ll never be something substantial. It always ends up being something boring, something basic, something I’ve said before. But when I finally am out of it, it’s a clarity like no other. It’s like I was drowning and now I’ve learned to swim.

It’s a blessing and a curse, to be a creative person. It’s a blessing when I’m creating, I feel best when I’m creating, but when I’m doing anything else, it feels like wasted time. I know it’s not, and I’ll just get burnt out if I’m always creating, but I can’t always shake the feeling. It’s good to take a day off or take breaks. I tell myself this. But I’m also the person who will stop everything to write down an idea. I’ve pulled over while driving because I thought of an idea for a story. I feel like my brain is just always thinking about what to write next. As if it’s wired to create.

That’s what’s been on my mind today. I didn’t have any poems to post, so I figured I’d give you guys a look into what’s been going on in my head lately.

Also, I’ve been thinking of maybe writing a poetry book. I have a backlog of poems that admittedly need some work, but those plus some I’ve posted here, I think it’d be cool.

Bitter Winds | Poem

I do miss it sometimes.

I miss the closeness,

I miss the warm feeling-

I’ve been so cold lately.

I fear, as I always do

that I won’t feel it again.

I’m destined for a life

of freezing, bitter winds.

But I’m tired of killing myself

over people who aren’t

worth a scratch or a scrape.

So, I’ll risk the bitter winds,

because I won’t freeze over

and someday I’ll find

someone worth dying for.


I miss the feeling

I miss the feeling,

that feeling of being at home

with you.

The only problem is

there is no

you.

There is only

me

and what good does it do

when it’s late

and I’m freezing over?

My sheets don’t suffice

when all my dreams

are of your cold, bitter winds.


On Growing Up (and how I don’t want to)

No one prepared me for growing up. It sounded liberating, fun, exciting. To move out, get a good paying job, having the freedom to do whatever I want. I loved the sound of that. But I’m tired all the time and I have no motivation to do anything more than the bare minimum. It’s boring, I tried to frame errands in a fun way that made them sound like I’m on some big adventure but it’s just going to the store and buying milk because I’m somehow always out of milk when I want a late-night bowl of cereal. Or it’s going to pick up a prescription but it’s not ready yet- should I wait for it? Or should I make use of these 15 minutes and go do something else I had to do today. And this was supposed to be my day off? My one day off this week? And I’m stuck at the store for 15 minutes because my prescription wasn’t ready yet. If this is what adulthood is then I want no part in it.

But that’s not all there is. There are concerts I don’t have to ask permission to go to, there are vacations I can take without my parents arguing every time we get in the car. There’s still fun to be had, it just feels less fun because I actually need the time off to recuperate from the long work week I just had. Being an adult is exhausting, and I’m not ready to grow up, but maybe I’m looking at it wrong. Maybe it’s more than just going to work and running errands. Because there’s also buying myself that new video game I’ve been wanting since I first heard about it, there’s playing it until 2 am and regretting it in the morning, but I’m still on that high you get when you first play a game that I don’t even realize I’m tired. I’m just counting down the minutes until I can play again.

Or, more personally, there’s staying up all night writing a new story I thought of during work and quickly wrote down on receipt paper so I would remember it when I got home. There’s the six hours straight of writing and editing and planning and more writing and more editing and it’s somehow all fun because I finally, after months of writer’s block, have something to write about again. I thought I had lost the ability to write, every time I tried to it came out as utter nonsense. As if I had written it on no sleep and too much caffeine (which was sometimes the case, but that’s beside the point). When I wrote this new story, it was like I was 12 again and just realizing my love for writing. The possibilities are endless and thank god I can type fast because the words come so fast, you’d think I’m on a deadline. But I’m only just beginning.

Album Recommendations: Act 1 – Morbid Stuff / PUP

Just before writing Shan’s story, I listened to Morbid Stuff, an album by PUP on my record player. I listened to it all the way through and it struck a chord deep inside me. I related to it on a personal level to the point I knew I had to write something about it. When the album ended, I turned the record over and listened again, typing urgently. I wouldn’t necessarily call myself a nihilist, but I have my moments. And this album brought those moments out.

I recommend listening in full, but my favorite track off it is the second track Kids.

Song/Album/Artist Recommendations: Act 0 – introduction

I want to try this out. If you know anything about me, you know how much music means to me. It got me through high school, it’s getting me through college, multiple heartbreaks- basically anything could be fixed by the right album. At least for me. So, I figured, this is my website, I should let you guys get to know me ~through music~

I won’t always do a big, long post about how meaningful the recommended song/album/artist is, but I will when it’s needed!

Today is just introductions, though, the next post will be about a specific band. For now, I’ll leave you with a link to my playlist I made of songs that hold special places in my heart- some of which will probably be featured in the future.

This isn’t me becoming a music review blog, it’s just an occasional addition to my currently lacking website. It will mostly be songs that were inspired by writings I’ve posted!

Here’s that playlist I mentioned:

Seen.

I have this need to be seen,

something I haven’t much felt before.

It’s strong, a yearning for standing in busy malls

and sitting in the middle of the coffee shop.

I’ve never felt this kind of yearning;

I fear if I’m not seen I‘ll be forgotten

and what am I but what others perceive?

And so I go to the coffee shop,

I order myself a medium iced mocha

and I melt into the people around me.

I listen but I don’t stare. 

I am what you make of me. 

I am nothing

I am just another body and face

I am not a soul

I do not have my own free will

I do not have my own thoughts

I am what you make of me

I am the idea of me you created

I am nothing

I am nothing. 

Birthday Ramblings

Today’s my birthday. I’m 22 today. I’d like to take this time to reflect on all the things 21 taught me.

In no way do I consider myself a fully-functioning adult, but I’m a hell of a lot more mature than I was last year. This year has been a year for self-reflecting and personal, internal growth.

I’ve learned to speak up for myself. Though I’m still not perfect at it, I’ve managed to avoid a lot of distress and suffering by noticing when something isn’t right, and fixing it.

I’ve gotten better at managing stress, anxiety, and depression. Of course, I still fall into my old self-destructive habits sometimes, but they’re a lot shorter now, and I can bring myself back to reality sooner than before.

I can notice what I need to work on within myself and actually begin to work on it. In the past, if I know there’s something I need to work on, I’d get stressed out and fall into a spiral at the thought of having to actually try– you mean I’m not perfect?! Nowadays, I don’t worry about that kind of thing. Knowing there’s something I need to work on just means I’m one step closer to bettering myself.

Today, I just want to take it easy. No schoolwork, no work-work. I’m going out to breakfast with my family then spending the day with my boyfriend. It’ll be a simple day to relax after a long year. A good year, but a long one.