Wednesday’s Acts of Self Care

Yesterday was ROUGH. I woke up feeling crappy and the rest of the day just continued the pattern. I didn’t get enough sleep, which led to little patience for anything, which led to just a bad mood all around. I slept better last night and I’ve been taking it easy before work today. Hopefully today will be better.

I bleached and dyed my hair on Monday and it was damaged to say the least, so I put on a hair mask this morning for some self care. It’s amazing how my mood shifts when I take care of myself.

I hope all of you are having a good day. How do you practice self care when you have an off day?

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Album Recommendations: Act 1 – Morbid Stuff / PUP

Just before writing Shan’s story, I listened to Morbid Stuff, an album by PUP on my record player. I listened to it all the way through and it struck a chord deep inside me. I related to it on a personal level to the point I knew I had to write something about it. When the album ended, I turned the record over and listened again, typing urgently. I wouldn’t necessarily call myself a nihilist, but I have my moments. And this album brought those moments out.

I recommend listening in full, but my favorite track off it is the second track Kids.

Song/Album/Artist Recommendations: Act 0 – introduction

I want to try this out. If you know anything about me, you know how much music means to me. It got me through high school, it’s getting me through college, multiple heartbreaks- basically anything could be fixed by the right album. At least for me. So, I figured, this is my website, I should let you guys get to know me ~through music~

I won’t always do a big, long post about how meaningful the recommended song/album/artist is, but I will when it’s needed!

Today is just introductions, though, the next post will be about a specific band. For now, I’ll leave you with a link to my playlist I made of songs that hold special places in my heart- some of which will probably be featured in the future.

This isn’t me becoming a music review blog, it’s just an occasional addition to my currently lacking website. It will mostly be songs that were inspired by writings I’ve posted!

Here’s that playlist I mentioned:

Seen.

I have this need to be seen,

something I haven’t much felt before.

It’s strong, a yearning for standing in busy malls

and sitting in the middle of the coffee shop.

I’ve never felt this kind of yearning;

I fear if I’m not seen I‘ll be forgotten

and what am I but what others perceive?

And so I go to the coffee shop,

I order myself a medium iced mocha

and I melt into the people around me.

I listen but I don’t stare. 

I am what you make of me. 

I am nothing

I am just another body and face

I am not a soul

I do not have my own free will

I do not have my own thoughts

I am what you make of me

I am the idea of me you created

I am nothing

I am nothing. 

cowritten by my middle school self

Despair cloaked in irony,

layers of deep seeded anguish

behind a joke, a one-liner

designed to fool anyone who listens.

I smile while I lie to their faces.

With the laughter,

the one form of acceptance I know,

it’s like you want me to lie more.

What am I if not a joke and a grin?

When the jokes stop, so do your invitations,

when I can’t bring myself to keep up the facade,

you’ll leave just like they all have.

It’s not pretty, it’s an art

the way it’s all so goddamn predictable.

They ask questions that fuel their own self doubt

because they need to do better than me,

but all I ask is

what does that achieve?

Birthday Ramblings

Today’s my birthday. I’m 22 today. I’d like to take this time to reflect on all the things 21 taught me.

In no way do I consider myself a fully-functioning adult, but I’m a hell of a lot more mature than I was last year. This year has been a year for self-reflecting and personal, internal growth.

I’ve learned to speak up for myself. Though I’m still not perfect at it, I’ve managed to avoid a lot of distress and suffering by noticing when something isn’t right, and fixing it.

I’ve gotten better at managing stress, anxiety, and depression. Of course, I still fall into my old self-destructive habits sometimes, but they’re a lot shorter now, and I can bring myself back to reality sooner than before.

I can notice what I need to work on within myself and actually begin to work on it. In the past, if I know there’s something I need to work on, I’d get stressed out and fall into a spiral at the thought of having to actually try– you mean I’m not perfect?! Nowadays, I don’t worry about that kind of thing. Knowing there’s something I need to work on just means I’m one step closer to bettering myself.

Today, I just want to take it easy. No schoolwork, no work-work. I’m going out to breakfast with my family then spending the day with my boyfriend. It’ll be a simple day to relax after a long year. A good year, but a long one.

hey, maybe that’s too harsh.

I catch myself before it’s too late. It’s probably a talent. I catch myself thinking, “stupid, stupid, stupid” because I forgot to do that one thing I said I would do. Mid self deprecating thought I stop and go, “hey, maybe that’s too harsh.”

I find myself doing this all too often, and it usually is a sign that I’m falling into a pit of depression yet again. If I catch myself soon enough, I can manage to escape that deep, dark pit of emotional turmoil that is a depressive episode and continue on as a normal human. Sometimes, more often than I’d like to admit, I don’t realize it until I’m a month deep, surrounded by isolation and self-destructive tendencies.

I find myself laying on my floor at 1 am, lights off, listening to a playlist of mopey songs singing about how terrible everything in their lives are. It’s usually in a moment like this that I come to the realization of, “oh, right. I’m depressed again.”

I’ve been down so many times, I know how to deal with it. When you’ve been depressed for nearly a decade, coming out of a depressive episode becomes a regular practice. Everyone’s brain works differently, but for me that’s usually taking a day or two for myself. I’ll do whatever it is I want to do that day and not feel guilty for it. Because once you’re that deep in it, you should not feel guilty for taking a day to just watch your favorite feel-good show on Netflix or sit outside with a cup of tea and watch the wind blow through the trees.

Coming out of it isn’t always a pretty sight, either. It takes time, just like it took time to fall into it. I’ll catch myself along the way isolating or overreacting and I just take a step back and rewire my brain into Positivity Mode again.