if I ever feel it again #flashfiction

I didn’t feel anything when he left. I took all the energy I would’ve had and lost myself in all the things I loved before he came into my life, as if I hadn’t changed in the last two years. And it was somewhere around the third week that I realized with each person that leaves, a part of me dies. And someday there will only be flesh and bone that’s left, but even that was never mine.

And I wonder if I’ll ever feel it again.

void

There will always be a void

deep inside my chest

there’s one for you

and all the others who’ve left

and I want to believe

that someday these voids will be filled

but it’s true what they say

that everyone leaves

and sometimes they come back

but sometimes when they do

they don’t do it because they missed you

or your jokes or your stories

they missed the attention you gave them.

fresh

I will write your name over and over

until it does not hurt anymore

and if that takes a thousand pages

at least it will be over.

and I will forgive you someday

but first I have to forgive myself

and sure, I’ve learned to love myself

but it’s still fresh

it started when I left

A love letter to the loveless

I would love you despite your feelings

Leave so I can love you harder

Come back to a warm bed

but it’s not mine

like it once was

you’re not mine

like you once were

and that’s fine

I love you still the same

at home in the mountains

It rained on the day we went up to the mountains. It rained and we stayed in our car for the most part, eating takeout from a nearby restaurant. We planned to eat it by the waterfall, but our sandwiches would’ve been soggy. We sat parked on a cliff-side, overlooking the mountains, the greens and reds and oranges and yellows of the treetops swaying gently with the breeze. We sat silent for a while as we took in the overwhelming feeling, the largeness of it all. We ate our takeout, but we didn’t feel worthy to be there in all the beauty. This moment was bigger than us. And I remember you said quietly and defiantly, “Someday, this will be home.”

missing

I miss the ocean

and I miss the mountains, too

I never thought after all this time

I’d be missing you like I do.

But I missed the smell of spring

and that came back as always,

and I know someday you’ll miss me, too,

and it puts me in a haze.