Okay again

It was the smell of spring that brought me back,

it was the heat radiating off the gravel.

It was the first time I remembered how to smile

after my final breakdown last winter.

It was the feeling of knowing things will work out

despite not knowing how to get there.

It was the relief after the weight in my chest lifted,

I’ll be okay and nothing can stop that.

dysfunctional

I felt a wide variety of things that night,

drove home with a smile on my face but

a sinking feeling in my stomach that told

me to run. This was nothing but bad news

and I knew it. And I was sick of how many

times this had happened. And I was sick

of always letting it happen. But on I went

to make another bad decision. And the only

conclusion I can come to with all this is I

like being upset. Is that why I stay? Is that

why I can’t seem to let you go? Because I

like being sad? Or is it because I’m hoping

you’ll change? Or I’m hoping I’ll change you.

Or I’m hoping someday we end up working

and we can laugh and roll our eyes at all the

pain we put each other through. But I don’t

want that. I don’t want you. I just want pain.

So I guess I want you.

storms

I’m not lonely,

I just miss you

like I miss a hurricane.

You leave me a wreck

and I heard them talking

of fallen trees and branches

I can’t help but think

I lost some, too.

I didn’t think I

could miss a disaster

but love and hate

often get mistaken.

Not lonely, just alone

I stood alone in the middle of a crowd,

knowing no one around me, I felt safe.

As if for some reason, because I knew

no one, I couldn’t be harmed. Because

everyone was busy doing their own thing

and what was I but another passerby.

Still I stood there, and I watched busy

faces go around me, I couldn’t help but

smile. I was not going to be spoken to

by anyone. I was in this alone and I was

here alone, I didn’t have to worry about

what to say to people, or what they’d say

to me. Because no one was going to talk

to me and that was the beauty of this. No

one even cared. No one cared that I stood

there in the way, no one cared that I was

smiling at no one and at everyone. No one

cared. And I found comfort in that. It was

not a sad comfort, it was a relief. I was

free.

When You Left

When you left

I swear the world caved in

or maybe that was

my heart.

Either way, you left,

I rebuilt myself,

and I’m only getting better.

Every time I think of you

and all you put me through,

I can’t help but smile

that I never have to deal

with you again.

Seasons

And I don’t think anyone could make me feel as free as when I’m walking down the suburb streets I know so well, mid-summer, the wind at my back, headphones in playing my favorite song.

I don’t think anyone could make me feel the relief of the sudden chill in the air after months of overheating, finally wearing my favorite jacket, going for a walk and seeing mushrooms after it rained.

I don’t think anyone could make me feel as safe as looking out my window in the morning after the first snowfall of winter, the warmth from my blankets contrasting with the cold of the windowsill.

I don’t think anyone could make me feel as hopeful as the first day in spring when it starts to warm up, after months of bundled up, freezing temperatures and I can sit outside and work on this or that.

And I don’t mind. Because the seasons could never remember my favorite color or the way I like my coffee. The seasons couldn’t hold my hand or give me their jacket when I get cold. I fell in love with the seasons, and they come and go and I fall in love with each change, but they could never make me feel as wanted as a text saying, “this made me think of you.”