implications

And I don’t think I knew what love was

when I said I loved you

and I don’t think I meant it when I said it,

but I said it anyway

and you said it back

and at the time I didn’t know the implications

that we would matter

that we would be closer

that we would care about each other

and I never felt any of that

but I wanted to

I wanted to feel love

I wanted to know what it meant

to have someone you care about

but you can’t force that kind of love,

it comes on its own

and I want to believe it’s worth the wait

and I thought it was funny

and I thought it was funny at the time

the way you tore down everything I built

and I remember I laughed

when I caught you in yet another lie

and I remember thinking

I’d be better with you in my life

well

then why am I thriving now?

I just want to learn

I just want to learn

I want to learn about you.

I want to learn what makes you happy

what makes you sad

what makes you unreasonably angry

what makes you laugh uncontrollably

and I want to learn

about your favorite song

and what makes it so special

and I want to learn

what age you were

when you realized

you felt sad most of the time

and what age you were

when you realized

you weren’t sad like you once were

and I want to learn

what makes you so special

because you are so special

meteor shower

You were a near miss

we got so close to touching

but never quite cared enough

and we tell ourselves

we wouldn’t have worked anyway

but for a minute there

I thought we would collide

We could’ve been

as bright

and as beautiful

as a meteor shower

but our orbits never crossed

molting

There are days

I’d rather sit in silence

than talk about our problems

than talk about our days

I go silent

I’ve always been

floating in and out of people

in and out of obscurity

of consciousness

It’s like I’m molting

the way I completely change

when I drift in and out of

people

obscurity

consciousness

but I’m not so sure anyone else notices

because they’re busy wondering

where I am

because I disappear

for months at a time

only to come back to say

hey

how’ve you been

it’s been a while

and repeat.

important

Eloquent, but not with you.

I could never tell you how

much you meant to me or

how much I love to see you.

With you, I’m distracted by

your eloquence and the way

you carry yourself like you

matter. And you do, and it

distracts me. I’ve never met

someone who matters like

you do. And I think it scares

me how little you know how

important you are. And you

are so

very

important.

You spoke and I listened

You spoke

and I listened.

I talked, too

but you only heard

what you wanted.

You heard me when

I was disinterested

and when I was upset,

but you didn’t hear

the love I had for you

and all the admiration

I once felt

for you.

And it’s still there

but you never wanted that,

did you?

Okay again

It was the smell of spring that brought me back,

it was the heat radiating off the gravel.

It was the first time I remembered how to smile

after my final breakdown last winter.

It was the feeling of knowing things will work out

despite not knowing how to get there.

It was the relief after the weight in my chest lifted,

I’ll be okay and nothing can stop that.

dysfunctional

I felt a wide variety of things that night,

drove home with a smile on my face but

a sinking feeling in my stomach that told

me to run. This was nothing but bad news

and I knew it. And I was sick of how many

times this had happened. And I was sick

of always letting it happen. But on I went

to make another bad decision. And the only

conclusion I can come to with all this is I

like being upset. Is that why I stay? Is that

why I can’t seem to let you go? Because I

like being sad? Or is it because I’m hoping

you’ll change? Or I’m hoping I’ll change you.

Or I’m hoping someday we end up working

and we can laugh and roll our eyes at all the

pain we put each other through. But I don’t

want that. I don’t want you. I just want pain.

So I guess I want you.

storms

I’m not lonely,

I just miss you

like I miss a hurricane.

You leave me a wreck

and I heard them talking

of fallen trees and branches

I can’t help but think

I lost some, too.

I didn’t think I

could miss a disaster

but love and hate

often get mistaken.