Last week of my class and liking my new job (+ song recommendation)

It’s my last week of this class starting today! Week 8 of 8. I’m not sure how I’ll do in this class since most of the work to be graded is last week and this week and my teacher hasn’t graded last week’s work yet, but I’m probably going to pass.

I’m liking my new job so far. It’s pretty easy and I get to listen to whatever I want while I work since I’m mostly alone. I’ve been listening to a lot of podcasts. They calm me down when I get stressed out, which is nice. It’s something I never had working retail, they always either had no music playing or some generic radio playing and it was always some song I’ve heard a million times and never liked. And it’s nice going to these nice houses for a couple hours and just zoning out. Cleaning has always helped my anxiety, so it makes sense I’d like it.

After work, I’ll be going over a friend’s house and we’ll be watching a show he got me into while we have a couple beers. It’ll be nice. Hopefully work won’t tire me out too much.

Last Thursday, I went to a concert with my best friend and this song I’m recommending today is one that they (my favorite band) played that I nearly cried at the show. It’s called You in January by The Wonder Years:

a few updates on school and a new job

My class is almost over! I’m on week seven out of eight and all I’ve got left is a discussion post and a seven-slide PowerPoint to do. I apologize for not being as active on here the last few weeks, but school mixed with my new job has made me more busy than I’d like to be.

My new job?? I’m a housekeeper! I clean vacation homes. I cannot express how glad I am to be out of the retail business. I didn’t hate all my retail jobs- the movie theaters were pretty cool- but the chain convenience stores and drug stores really wore me down.

Once summer comes around, I’m really going to have to make sure I make time to write because I’ll be working six days a week most weeks. I’m not always up to write after a long day of work, or my writing isn’t as coherent as days where I’m not doing a bunch of physical activity, but I’ll try to make some time. I might cut back my posts to only a few days a week, but that’s a conversation to come back to in May.

I like the new job so far, though! It’s different from any other job I’ve had, but I get to listen to whatever music or podcast I want, so it’s cool. And I like being active at work; when I was working at a movie theater, half the shift was spent sitting and waiting for the movies to get out. It got boring. At least at this job there’s always something to do.

And one last thing- I’m not sure if it was just me or anyone else, but the post I made yesterday never showed up on my feed, so if you missed that, you can check it out here!

If you made it this far, how about a song recommendation? (I want to start doing these on my general blog posts, what do you guys think?)

implications

And I don’t think I knew what love was

when I said I loved you

and I don’t think I meant it when I said it,

but I said it anyway

and you said it back

and at the time I didn’t know the implications

that we would matter

that we would be closer

that we would care about each other

and I never felt any of that

but I wanted to

I wanted to feel love

I wanted to know what it meant

to have someone you care about

but you can’t force that kind of love,

it comes on its own

and I want to believe it’s worth the wait

“foolish,” you’ll say, and I’ll agree

And someday we’ll find ourselves in different places, in different homes, with different lovers and we’ll decide to reconnect. Maybe we’ll see each other on the street, or someone will mention something that reminds us of each other, and we’ll reach out and we’ll reconnect.

You’ll tell me about how you’re happier now than you ever thought you could be. I’ll tell you what I’ve been up to and you’ll listen. We’ll make jokes and remember what it was like when we were once so close. We’ll wonder why we ever drifted apart, conveniently forgetting what happened between us that day when we thought the world would end. And I remembered it for a while, and I cried for a while, but I got over it, and I got over you.

But it wasn’t like I didn’t think about you, and it wasn’t like I didn’t look for you when I went by your old house. You told me you moved two years ago. I’ll say, “has it really been that long?” and you’ll say, “it’s been six years, man.” And I’ll feel sad. And you’ll feel sad. And we’ll agree to stay in touch, but I’ll tell you I’m only in town this week then I’m going back to the city, and you’ll look at me like you’re proud, and I’ll feel like crying.

And in that moment, I won’t be able to even think about what broke us apart. I remembered us staying friends for a long time. And we were there for each other through everything. And somewhere along the way, we separated.

We’ll be reminiscing about our conversations and I’ll be surprised by how many details I remembered, and then I’ll remember that we stopped talking because of something so stupid and so trivial that I laugh out loud in the coffee shop. And you’ll ask me what I’m laughing for and I’ll tell you. And you’ll look at me, chuckle once, and shake your head.

“Foolish,” you’ll say, and I’ll agree.

I just want to learn

I just want to learn

I want to learn about you.

I want to learn what makes you happy

what makes you sad

what makes you unreasonably angry

what makes you laugh uncontrollably

and I want to learn

about your favorite song

and what makes it so special

and I want to learn

what age you were

when you realized

you felt sad most of the time

and what age you were

when you realized

you weren’t sad like you once were

and I want to learn

what makes you so special

because you are so special

the world’s most nostalgic person

And I didn’t know how I wanted it to go until that day. It wasn’t like I was unhappy, but I certainly wasn’t happy. And sure, sometimes I was content. But it wasn’t enough. I fall into this trap of settling so often, you’d think I’m not still young. I get petrified of any negative feeling; I ignore the ones I’m already feeling. And it’s ironic, and I get that, but sometimes it’s hard to tell what’s wrong until it’s over. And this happened a year ago. I’m only thinking about it because I’m the world’s most nostalgic person.

I miss things. And I miss people. It’s the reason I annoy my friends with all the mentions of exes. I get accused of not being over them, but it’s not true. I don’t miss the people; I miss the feelings. And sometimes I miss the people, but it’s not usually for long. I miss ex friends more than I miss ex boyfriends. And even them I know I’m better off without.

And on the day when that two-year, arguably worst relationship of my life ended, I remember I went to the gym. I know we shouldn’t have broken up over the phone, but he lived an hour away and we both knew it was coming anyway. I went to the gym and I listened to a break-up album that had conveniently just come out that day. I became fixated by it. I wound up going to the gym a lot in those coming months. And I was fine. I was happy. I didn’t miss him in the slightest.

But I realized, after two years of constantly being lied to and treated like yesterdays garbage, that I was happy to be single. And I’ve been happy being single for the better part of the last year. I think when that nightmare of a relationship started, what I needed was a friend. And I realize now that all I really want are friends. I don’t feel like I need a boyfriend or girlfriend to be happy. I’m just happy hanging out with my friends and watching a show and maybe having a drink. And that’s fine.

And now Valentine’s Day is coming up and I never much did celebrate that even when I was in relationships. So, I’m not too worried. I’ll probably end up watching some rom-coms at home and I’m content with that.

molting

There are days

I’d rather sit in silence

than talk about our problems

than talk about our days

I go silent

I’ve always been

floating in and out of people

in and out of obscurity

of consciousness

It’s like I’m molting

the way I completely change

when I drift in and out of

people

obscurity

consciousness

but I’m not so sure anyone else notices

because they’re busy wondering

where I am

because I disappear

for months at a time

only to come back to say

hey

how’ve you been

it’s been a while

and repeat.