I remember getting mad at you for things you couldn’t control. I was so naive back then and so were you. I remember when you told me you couldn’t be there for me and I took it personal. I realized later that it wasn’t personal, but the way you treated me made it feel like it was. I was an afterthought in your day, and you could never care for me the way I needed. The way anyone needed. I was an inconvenience to you, and you taught me to keep my feelings to myself. Yet another thing I’m unlearning.
You were never an inconvenience to me, and that’s what made me bitter for a while. I cared for you, I cared for our friends. I was bad at showing it, sure, but you couldn’t deny the love was there. Or maybe you could, you always had this picture of me in your head. But it wasn’t me, it was someone else. Someone that looked like me but acted on their rage. Like I was out to get you. And maybe that wasn’t my fault, maybe that was your own inner demons telling you I was bad for you. Either way, we parted ways and I know it was for the best, but I can’t deny I miss it.
I don’t miss much, but I miss it. I don’t miss the arguments, I don’t miss the gaslighting, I don’t miss pushing the blame. But I miss the jokes, I miss the closeness. I’ve been alone so long; I can’t remember what it feels like to know someone else cares. I imagine it feels warm. I imagine it feels like a blanket that just came out of the dryer. I imagine it feels like the sun against my skin in the summer, and the wind against my face as I’m driving.
This isn’t a love letter; I don’t want you back. I don’t want any of our old friends back. I just want you to know I’m not angry anymore.
Getting rid of the anger is the most difficult step. I struggle with that bit so much
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Very true, I struggle with that part as well.
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Thanks for sharing. Being alone can be hard. I hope you are doing lots of good things for yourself. May you be happy.
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Thank you for the kind words!
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Welcome 🙂
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Anger is hard to deal with as I am a fiery person myself at times.
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I can definitely understand that. I get that way, too!
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There’s so much pain in remembering that the sense of belonging and warmth comes with an equal dose of rejection. I struggled with that, too. First, depression, then lots of anger I didn’t even know I had in me. But we’ll feel closeness towards other people, I’m sure :))
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Thank you for writing and sharing, I find solace (oddly maybe) in reading your words, in being in solidarity with your heartfelt sentiments.
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Thank you for the nice comment!
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